This is my new blog. I missed writing and wanted to start a space to write just for comedy. I have a lot of friends who are doing various forms of improv and stand up comedy all over north america. I love that some of them will even still call me for advice on a routine, or help with a joke.
I have started this as a way for me to somehow break back into comedy. I really miss doing improv long and short form, and think my true aspirations are to be a stand up comedian.
So I will be posting stand up segments, improv games, and basically everything funny I can think of here.
To get the fire started... here is a stand up routine that I wrote for a friend of mine a while back. And I gotta admit it's been sort of fun reading this. I'm sure my comedic center is in a different place now, but check it out and enjoy.
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Hi I'm Jason and I know what you're thinking ladies. "He's really hot." And yea I'm hot. And soooooo unavailable. So stop thinking it. Because I am a one woman man. I kind of do miss being single though. Being a-none woman man. Those were the days. Going home….masturbating….waking up…masturbating… sitting on my hand for minutes letting it go to sleep, and then masturbating with it.
So I traded that all in for a woman. A woman I can never please. Because she is woman, it's not her fault. It's mine. I've learned that, I've also learned that I'm basically an idiot and I'm so grateful to her for showing me. Yeah I'm her little idiot, and I love it. Hope it goes on forever. I'm really good at apologizing for things that I never remember doing. Who knew that Tupperware lids could cause such a ruckus? As I'm here talking to you folks tonight know that I live in fear of Tupperware.
She puts everything that I want in Tupperware. Because she knows I won't go near the stuff. If she could fit her pussy inside of one it'd be there. Smiling at me like it always does, blowing me kisses. But I wouldn't go near it. Because, apparently I don't know how to close Tupperware. So now I just don't eat. It's a lot easier, that way. It looks so simple, you just put the lid on top of the container, and push really hard and when you hear it pop (make the popping noise with your finger in your chin) you can walk away knowing that whatever else happens you'll still have fresh cookies.
(make this sound like the guy from the movie trailers)
"But then later that night when she comes home" First thing she does, every night I'm not lying. She goes over to the Tupperware, before she even kisses me (which is weird). Before she says "I love you" or "I'm so lucky to have to you in my life" or "I missed you today" before any of that, nonsense, she checks in with her little "what's he doing when I'm not around spies" AKA the Tupperware lids and if they say that I was doing anything wrong by them not being closed properly then it is over. The entire night is ruined because of two thin mint Girl Scout cookies, which were very fresh I must admit.
(do an evil old woman voice)
"who didn't close the Tupperware (pause) properly?"
Why does she even ask that question though? Was it her? No. Not her, not with the value she places on them. Of course it was me.
So I've got two options after hearing…
(old lady voice again) "Who didn't properly close the Tupperware? Hmmm? Was it you Jason? It's always you, it's like you….it's like you – hate…keeping things fresh. You don't hate keeping things fresh….do you?"
Option A is a safe one. I apologize, swear I'll never do it again, and spend the rest of the evening repeating these apologies and swears; until I'm blue in the face, or the world ends. Eventually around May 2014 it'll blow over.
Option B is a not so safe one I don't recommend it. It's out there though, I'd never try it. I've tried it before in small doses, I don't recommend it. Guys if you're a fan of option B that's one thing. But if you're out there practicing Option B jump off a fucking bridge, because the next time you'll be having sex is with the retarded student volunteer at the convalescent home who has to help you urinate.
Option B goes a little something like this.
(keep doing the funny voice for her if the audience was digging it)
Her: "Who didn't close the Tupperware?"
(abrasive) "Who do you think did it babe? Was it the dog? No he hasn't got any fucking thumbs Einstein It was me! I didn't close the Tupperware because I don't give a shit about Tupperware, there I said it, it's fucking plastic. It is a thing! Get over it. Sometimes I think you'd rather fuck all the Tupperware in the entire house than me! So why don't you and the Tupperware make sure all the lids are closed and when you're ready to talk like an adult about adult stuff I'll be in the bedroom waiting for my blowjob."
That did feel pretty good to get off my chest. Whew. You see what Tupperware does, it ruins relationships. Keeps food fresh, for years, but it can ruin your entire evening.
I'm in a very long relationship, it's so long. It's great. I love it. It's so long though. I'm running out of shit to do with her. Sometimes we just sit and stare at each other and think "how much fucking longer is this thing going to go on?"
And she's winning. She's up a million. I've never scored a point. Sometimes I wonder why she's still with me.
One time…this one time she asked me what I wanted to be for Halloween, and I told her that I wanted to be a door mat. But I was just joking. You know… ha ha a door mat… "because you walk all over me."
But she loved the idea. She fucking loved it. She wouldn't let it go. And by October we were down at the store looking for material for my doormat costume. Only I didn't know what was going on. I wasn't paying attention. I was looking at golf clubs. She sent me there, to distract me. But I can't pay attention anyway she's brain washed me. I have to ask her what I'm thinking sometimes. And she knows. And if I say something like "why would I think that?" She knows that too. She knows everything, I know nothing. That's not true, I know how to apologize.
So I'm at this Halloween party in a doormat costume. And she leaves me to go over to her friends so she can show off what she did. And they're just pointing and laughing it up, because she's won and they know she has won. And I'm there just looking like a big idiot. But at least I'm her big idiot. Although I did get the last laugh. See this party was at one of her single friend's houses, and when I said I was going to the bathroom what I really was doing was sneaking around the kitchen breaking the seal (pop) on everyone (pop) of her friend's Tupperware lids.
I don't hate that the relationship is long though. I like long things. But I usually like them the most when they're over. This can't be over though. I wouldn't know how to function without her. I'd be lost. I'd be out somewhere trying to think about what I was thinking about. And not making any discoveries. Just aimlessly wandering around the housewares section of Target. Asking a person who isn't even around me if we need 18 ugly milk glasses because they're on sale.
It is what it is. Long, painful, and always there. Have you ever seen a child's ballet recital? It's like I'm at one everyday. (Wipe your head and act like you're watching one)….You know what I'm talking about, they end the first dance and you're thinking to yourself "it's over? YES IT'S OVER!" so you stand up and applaud because you get to go. Then you realize (start slow clapping and looking awkward) that you're the only person in the cafatorium standing and applauding. And even the little girls on stage are looking at you like you're some kind of freak. Little girls in tutu's are rolling their eyes at you (little girl voice) "that was just the first song Mr. Reed so why don't you sit the fuck back down it ain't over yet" (do a little girl bow curtsy kind of thing)
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Here's two new jokes. I'm more of a free spirit now :).
I wish on facebook they had a "people you'll never know" section. I think mine would include a lot of Asians.
A friend of mine recently asked me why most of my jokes degrade women. I said, "c'mon they were asking for it."
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Hi I'm Jason and I know what you're thinking ladies. "He's really hot." And yea I'm hot. And soooooo unavailable. So stop thinking it. Because I am a one woman man. I kind of do miss being single though. Being a-none woman man. Those were the days. Going home….masturbating….waking up…masturbating… sitting on my hand for minutes letting it go to sleep, and then masturbating with it.
So I traded that all in for a woman. A woman I can never please. Because she is woman, it's not her fault. It's mine. I've learned that, I've also learned that I'm basically an idiot and I'm so grateful to her for showing me. Yeah I'm her little idiot, and I love it. Hope it goes on forever. I'm really good at apologizing for things that I never remember doing. Who knew that Tupperware lids could cause such a ruckus? As I'm here talking to you folks tonight know that I live in fear of Tupperware.
She puts everything that I want in Tupperware. Because she knows I won't go near the stuff. If she could fit her pussy inside of one it'd be there. Smiling at me like it always does, blowing me kisses. But I wouldn't go near it. Because, apparently I don't know how to close Tupperware. So now I just don't eat. It's a lot easier, that way. It looks so simple, you just put the lid on top of the container, and push really hard and when you hear it pop (make the popping noise with your finger in your chin) you can walk away knowing that whatever else happens you'll still have fresh cookies.
(make this sound like the guy from the movie trailers)
"But then later that night when she comes home" First thing she does, every night I'm not lying. She goes over to the Tupperware, before she even kisses me (which is weird). Before she says "I love you" or "I'm so lucky to have to you in my life" or "I missed you today" before any of that, nonsense, she checks in with her little "what's he doing when I'm not around spies" AKA the Tupperware lids and if they say that I was doing anything wrong by them not being closed properly then it is over. The entire night is ruined because of two thin mint Girl Scout cookies, which were very fresh I must admit.
(do an evil old woman voice)
"who didn't close the Tupperware (pause) properly?"
Why does she even ask that question though? Was it her? No. Not her, not with the value she places on them. Of course it was me.
So I've got two options after hearing…
(old lady voice again) "Who didn't properly close the Tupperware? Hmmm? Was it you Jason? It's always you, it's like you….it's like you – hate…keeping things fresh. You don't hate keeping things fresh….do you?"
Option A is a safe one. I apologize, swear I'll never do it again, and spend the rest of the evening repeating these apologies and swears; until I'm blue in the face, or the world ends. Eventually around May 2014 it'll blow over.
Option B is a not so safe one I don't recommend it. It's out there though, I'd never try it. I've tried it before in small doses, I don't recommend it. Guys if you're a fan of option B that's one thing. But if you're out there practicing Option B jump off a fucking bridge, because the next time you'll be having sex is with the retarded student volunteer at the convalescent home who has to help you urinate.
Option B goes a little something like this.
(keep doing the funny voice for her if the audience was digging it)
Her: "Who didn't close the Tupperware?"
(abrasive) "Who do you think did it babe? Was it the dog? No he hasn't got any fucking thumbs Einstein It was me! I didn't close the Tupperware because I don't give a shit about Tupperware, there I said it, it's fucking plastic. It is a thing! Get over it. Sometimes I think you'd rather fuck all the Tupperware in the entire house than me! So why don't you and the Tupperware make sure all the lids are closed and when you're ready to talk like an adult about adult stuff I'll be in the bedroom waiting for my blowjob."
That did feel pretty good to get off my chest. Whew. You see what Tupperware does, it ruins relationships. Keeps food fresh, for years, but it can ruin your entire evening.
I'm in a very long relationship, it's so long. It's great. I love it. It's so long though. I'm running out of shit to do with her. Sometimes we just sit and stare at each other and think "how much fucking longer is this thing going to go on?"
And she's winning. She's up a million. I've never scored a point. Sometimes I wonder why she's still with me.
One time…this one time she asked me what I wanted to be for Halloween, and I told her that I wanted to be a door mat. But I was just joking. You know… ha ha a door mat… "because you walk all over me."
But she loved the idea. She fucking loved it. She wouldn't let it go. And by October we were down at the store looking for material for my doormat costume. Only I didn't know what was going on. I wasn't paying attention. I was looking at golf clubs. She sent me there, to distract me. But I can't pay attention anyway she's brain washed me. I have to ask her what I'm thinking sometimes. And she knows. And if I say something like "why would I think that?" She knows that too. She knows everything, I know nothing. That's not true, I know how to apologize.
So I'm at this Halloween party in a doormat costume. And she leaves me to go over to her friends so she can show off what she did. And they're just pointing and laughing it up, because she's won and they know she has won. And I'm there just looking like a big idiot. But at least I'm her big idiot. Although I did get the last laugh. See this party was at one of her single friend's houses, and when I said I was going to the bathroom what I really was doing was sneaking around the kitchen breaking the seal (pop) on everyone (pop) of her friend's Tupperware lids.
I don't hate that the relationship is long though. I like long things. But I usually like them the most when they're over. This can't be over though. I wouldn't know how to function without her. I'd be lost. I'd be out somewhere trying to think about what I was thinking about. And not making any discoveries. Just aimlessly wandering around the housewares section of Target. Asking a person who isn't even around me if we need 18 ugly milk glasses because they're on sale.
It is what it is. Long, painful, and always there. Have you ever seen a child's ballet recital? It's like I'm at one everyday. (Wipe your head and act like you're watching one)….You know what I'm talking about, they end the first dance and you're thinking to yourself "it's over? YES IT'S OVER!" so you stand up and applaud because you get to go. Then you realize (start slow clapping and looking awkward) that you're the only person in the cafatorium standing and applauding. And even the little girls on stage are looking at you like you're some kind of freak. Little girls in tutu's are rolling their eyes at you (little girl voice) "that was just the first song Mr. Reed so why don't you sit the fuck back down it ain't over yet" (do a little girl bow curtsy kind of thing)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's two new jokes. I'm more of a free spirit now :).
I wish on facebook they had a "people you'll never know" section. I think mine would include a lot of Asians.
A friend of mine recently asked me why most of my jokes degrade women. I said, "c'mon they were asking for it."
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