I just know everyone is dying to laugh. I've been on the fence about posting this blog. Because this will be the first one that's just jokes. And I realize that it's a dangerous thing to post jokes if you're a stand up comedian, because they can be stolen. What these really are, are premises. Things that I can expand upon more. And I'd invite you to do the same. Have a good time laughing.... and what the heck why not comment and let me know what you liked, and didn't? Or borrow a joke, and try it out a different way. I'm trying to make this easier to read... so when you see the dashes... you're in a new bit.
Here's some Funny things people say: maybe
"Give it to me straight"..... Damit! I was going to give it to you at a vicious angle, but you're just too smart for that....
"It is what it is." Ok...But if it really is though.... Did telling us that... even matter?
"I almost died." Did you shit and piss yourself? Cuz that's what happens when you almost die, and then after you almost die.. you all the way die. So is that...what happened?
"FYI:" When you're talking to me.... Use the whole words. Just do it. They're there, they're the words. They're called words for a reason. Don't abbreviate... things... and especially don't abbreviate stupid things that don't even need to be said nonetheless abbreviated in the first place.
Here's a hot little FYI of my own...Don't tell me that you're telling me something that's for my information... that's very circular... because everything is for my information... isn't it? I don't pick certain things I hear and see, and go: "oh well I guess... that's not important I'll just forget that, I mean why would I remember that? That wasn't for me, that was for other people, what am I going to do with all of this information.....uhhhhhhhh....I don't wanna have too much of it, or I won't be able to eat any of mom's information later. Only a JackWad would walk around collecting....information. Fucking piece of shit remembering sun of a fucking bitch. You're like a frigging stenolephant. Could you imagine the elephant with the little keyboard, trying to type.... hahahaha
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We always try to be cool. We always know a guy. We don't really know him...but nobody else knows that... so we talk about him. And we exaggerate...Car Trouble?... I gotta guy! Have I gota fucking guy you gotta see. Oh you should see my guy...
And we lie to be cool. Oh god do we lie. We lie about people like we're the kings and queens of the world....of lies.
We're always lying... we say things like....
He's the best plumber in the (mouth "world" but say) galaxy.(Aswer the guy askign you questions about him) He used to plumm for NASA. He quit cuz he missed his kids. Geez, why you getting so personal? Yea..... he fixed my stuff... fixed that stuff right up.. oh he fixed that stuff so good. People come over just to use ... my stuff.
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I Hate False Advertising. You know the kind. Over Promise, under deliver.
**There's no wrong way to eat a reeces**...Really? I bet I could blow some holes in that theory. Even though I lOVE reeces peanut butter cups. Don't twist it... I can think of a few wrong ways to eat one. How about right after you rape a girl huh? That's kind of a wrong way.... dontcha think?
And what about those people who just refuse to take the wrapper off? That's kind of a whole other wrong way.
You'll never see this commercial...
I shoot my reeses in the arm and then
I put mine in my pants.
Mr. Reeses(of course I made him male)...would you care to comment on these clearly wrong ways to eat your peanut butter cups....?
"Now there's no uh... we stand firm behind our belief that there is in fact...no wrong way to eat one 'dem butter cups, and further more if that man did enjoy our particular sugary sweet snack at that unfortunate time, you can't blame the tasty candy...
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And now gloryholes!
I've never understood a lot of things about stuff..... Like the concept of a gloryhole....
It's not that I don't understand it..I know what happens in a gloryholing... look at my internet history. I just don't see how it got from an idea in somebody's head, to somebody actually cutting a hole in a wall. (They had a guy for it...lol)
How did that conversation go? Hypothetically were there a hole, where on there other side anyone or any number of things could be even a man's mouth... you would?
Hell ya why not? ???? And then they cut it...
Then somebody was like... I'm sorry to trouble you, I know you just cut this fine hole. You must be so tired. But please...If the hole were just a lil lower, I wouldn't have to stand on my tipper toes. So they re-cut it............
And then how did it get from some guy cutting and then re-cutting and somebody putting a dick in there , to somebody else, seeing the other side of that situation, and going... Woah... is that guilt free cock? I better go suck that lonely cock in that mysteriously placed hole...
Monday, August 1, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Twitter Account
I know there hasn't been a new post in a while, so what I'm going to do in the meantime is start a twitter account, where I prepare myself for my ultimate showdown with Doug Benson. *thumbs up*
@Reedable
or for newbies like myself http://twitter.com/#!/Reedable
@Reedable
or for newbies like myself http://twitter.com/#!/Reedable
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Time
So here's what I've found out about being a stand up comedian. I thought this thing was just going to happen all on it's own over night. But this thing is going to take........ Time.
I've invested time to figure out what comedy is. And nobody can tell me. Everybody thinks they know, but nobody is willing to commit to anything. Wikipedia has suggested that I see Seinfeld. If this blog does have an audience, maybe you can tell me? What is being funny? What makes you laugh? What is comedy?
While I'm waiting for the comments to fill up for my review.... I'll try and tackle that answer myself.
What is comedy?....
I sure don't know. But everyone who I have been talking to is really hitting home that being funny has a lot to do with being honest.
And so I have a couple of thoughts about this. Being honest is almost absurd in our society. If you're honest, you probably won't make it very far. Ever since I was a young boy life has always fascinated me because of that very thing. In our society there is, a way things are supposed to be.... and then there is the real story.
Everyone is pretending! And because of that, you have to as well. If you don't think that you're pretending then you're clinically insane. Want some proof? When you parent's come to visit, versus some good buddies.... for whom do you spend more time cleaning, and why?
Everyone is pretending!
Maybe that's why anyone of us would watch a stand-up comedian in the first place. To be honest. At least with ourselves for a few laughs before we have to go back to pretendsville.
And so on that train (which is a colloquialism in need of some updating) of thought...is the
Edit #1
What are some things newer than trains? But still really old?
And so on that penicillin of thought?
And so on that Steam Boat of consciousness?
On this Dot Matrix tear...is the path to righteousness....
Honesty....
It's hard to be honest. I'm so out of practice. Here's what I remember though. The first laugh. The first time I may have peed them, I was maybe 4 years old. Grandma and Grandpa babysat me throughout the week, so Grandpa and I did a lot together.
One morning we were washing the car and I turned the hose on my grandpa. Which didn't make him too happy. But it, cracked me right up. I had been planning it for weeks, and that morning seemed like the right time.
I learned very early at school that fart jokes killed. Well not jokes...just farting. Farting anytime you had to anywhere you had to, anytime you needed and sometimes you didn't - was the best part about being a kid.
When you're a kid you don't have any manners. You just have gas, and no inhibitions. When you're an adult you have to hold it in for the most part. Or work out some sort of fart boundry with your co-workers or your spouse. You can't just fart. Rememer the look on everyone's face the last time you did? You absolutely have to not fart.
Let me start that story over.
Show and Tell time occur ed very promptly at 8:35am in my Kinder garden class. There wasn't an official line, but I was always first in it. Standing there with my written down GI Joe Theme song lyrics scribbled in my Grandmother's handwriting. She knew I couldn't read but god bless her for writing something down every morning. Ready to dazzle my class-mates, who I'm sure weren't paying any....attention.
And I think that's where it all started for me. I learned two things in Kinder garden. I loved to show, and I lived to tell.
So I learned after a while that the GI Joe thing wasn't really working out. So I started telling jokes. Little ones my Grandfather had taught me. And one day I just farted, right in front of them, all of them. And it killed. The girls loved it. The guys loved it. I was a legendary prop comic by the age of 5.
And then around 3rd grade it just goes away. You can't do it anywhere and get a laugh. What happens to life right around that age that just kills a perfectly hilarious fart? For the record I miss farting. I want to throw a FARTY....a party just for farts.....and you're all invited.
Had my dreams of come true. And time did stand still, and I was still 5....and everyone loved my farts.... I guess I wouldn't have developed any other comedic tools over the years. I would be Gallagher and smell much worse.
More to come...
I've invested time to figure out what comedy is. And nobody can tell me. Everybody thinks they know, but nobody is willing to commit to anything. Wikipedia has suggested that I see Seinfeld. If this blog does have an audience, maybe you can tell me? What is being funny? What makes you laugh? What is comedy?
While I'm waiting for the comments to fill up for my review.... I'll try and tackle that answer myself.
What is comedy?....
I sure don't know. But everyone who I have been talking to is really hitting home that being funny has a lot to do with being honest.
And so I have a couple of thoughts about this. Being honest is almost absurd in our society. If you're honest, you probably won't make it very far. Ever since I was a young boy life has always fascinated me because of that very thing. In our society there is, a way things are supposed to be.... and then there is the real story.
Everyone is pretending! And because of that, you have to as well. If you don't think that you're pretending then you're clinically insane. Want some proof? When you parent's come to visit, versus some good buddies.... for whom do you spend more time cleaning, and why?
Everyone is pretending!
Maybe that's why anyone of us would watch a stand-up comedian in the first place. To be honest. At least with ourselves for a few laughs before we have to go back to pretendsville.
And so on that train (which is a colloquialism in need of some updating) of thought...is the
Edit #1
What are some things newer than trains? But still really old?
And so on that penicillin of thought?
And so on that Steam Boat of consciousness?
On this Dot Matrix tear...is the path to righteousness....
Honesty....
It's hard to be honest. I'm so out of practice. Here's what I remember though. The first laugh. The first time I may have peed them, I was maybe 4 years old. Grandma and Grandpa babysat me throughout the week, so Grandpa and I did a lot together.
One morning we were washing the car and I turned the hose on my grandpa. Which didn't make him too happy. But it, cracked me right up. I had been planning it for weeks, and that morning seemed like the right time.
I learned very early at school that fart jokes killed. Well not jokes...just farting. Farting anytime you had to anywhere you had to, anytime you needed and sometimes you didn't - was the best part about being a kid.
When you're a kid you don't have any manners. You just have gas, and no inhibitions. When you're an adult you have to hold it in for the most part. Or work out some sort of fart boundry with your co-workers or your spouse. You can't just fart. Rememer the look on everyone's face the last time you did? You absolutely have to not fart.
Let me start that story over.
Show and Tell time occur ed very promptly at 8:35am in my Kinder garden class. There wasn't an official line, but I was always first in it. Standing there with my written down GI Joe Theme song lyrics scribbled in my Grandmother's handwriting. She knew I couldn't read but god bless her for writing something down every morning. Ready to dazzle my class-mates, who I'm sure weren't paying any....attention.
And I think that's where it all started for me. I learned two things in Kinder garden. I loved to show, and I lived to tell.
So I learned after a while that the GI Joe thing wasn't really working out. So I started telling jokes. Little ones my Grandfather had taught me. And one day I just farted, right in front of them, all of them. And it killed. The girls loved it. The guys loved it. I was a legendary prop comic by the age of 5.
And then around 3rd grade it just goes away. You can't do it anywhere and get a laugh. What happens to life right around that age that just kills a perfectly hilarious fart? For the record I miss farting. I want to throw a FARTY....a party just for farts.....and you're all invited.
Had my dreams of come true. And time did stand still, and I was still 5....and everyone loved my farts.... I guess I wouldn't have developed any other comedic tools over the years. I would be Gallagher and smell much worse.
More to come...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Everything you need...
Here is what you need to in order to be a stand up comedian. I have none of these things. I am going to find these things....
Write some jokes...
Put the jokes in order...
Decide what your stage persona is going to be...
Rehearse your act...
Work out your timing...
I'll be back this may take a while.
Write some jokes...
Put the jokes in order...
Decide what your stage persona is going to be...
Rehearse your act...
Work out your timing...
I'll be back this may take a while.
Monday, June 13, 2011
My new blog.
This is my new blog. I missed writing and wanted to start a space to write just for comedy. I have a lot of friends who are doing various forms of improv and stand up comedy all over north america. I love that some of them will even still call me for advice on a routine, or help with a joke.
I have started this as a way for me to somehow break back into comedy. I really miss doing improv long and short form, and think my true aspirations are to be a stand up comedian.
So I will be posting stand up segments, improv games, and basically everything funny I can think of here.
To get the fire started... here is a stand up routine that I wrote for a friend of mine a while back. And I gotta admit it's been sort of fun reading this. I'm sure my comedic center is in a different place now, but check it out and enjoy.
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Hi I'm Jason and I know what you're thinking ladies. "He's really hot." And yea I'm hot. And soooooo unavailable. So stop thinking it. Because I am a one woman man. I kind of do miss being single though. Being a-none woman man. Those were the days. Going home….masturbating….waking up…masturbating… sitting on my hand for minutes letting it go to sleep, and then masturbating with it.
So I traded that all in for a woman. A woman I can never please. Because she is woman, it's not her fault. It's mine. I've learned that, I've also learned that I'm basically an idiot and I'm so grateful to her for showing me. Yeah I'm her little idiot, and I love it. Hope it goes on forever. I'm really good at apologizing for things that I never remember doing. Who knew that Tupperware lids could cause such a ruckus? As I'm here talking to you folks tonight know that I live in fear of Tupperware.
She puts everything that I want in Tupperware. Because she knows I won't go near the stuff. If she could fit her pussy inside of one it'd be there. Smiling at me like it always does, blowing me kisses. But I wouldn't go near it. Because, apparently I don't know how to close Tupperware. So now I just don't eat. It's a lot easier, that way. It looks so simple, you just put the lid on top of the container, and push really hard and when you hear it pop (make the popping noise with your finger in your chin) you can walk away knowing that whatever else happens you'll still have fresh cookies.
(make this sound like the guy from the movie trailers)
"But then later that night when she comes home" First thing she does, every night I'm not lying. She goes over to the Tupperware, before she even kisses me (which is weird). Before she says "I love you" or "I'm so lucky to have to you in my life" or "I missed you today" before any of that, nonsense, she checks in with her little "what's he doing when I'm not around spies" AKA the Tupperware lids and if they say that I was doing anything wrong by them not being closed properly then it is over. The entire night is ruined because of two thin mint Girl Scout cookies, which were very fresh I must admit.
(do an evil old woman voice)
"who didn't close the Tupperware (pause) properly?"
Why does she even ask that question though? Was it her? No. Not her, not with the value she places on them. Of course it was me.
So I've got two options after hearing…
(old lady voice again) "Who didn't properly close the Tupperware? Hmmm? Was it you Jason? It's always you, it's like you….it's like you – hate…keeping things fresh. You don't hate keeping things fresh….do you?"
Option A is a safe one. I apologize, swear I'll never do it again, and spend the rest of the evening repeating these apologies and swears; until I'm blue in the face, or the world ends. Eventually around May 2014 it'll blow over.
Option B is a not so safe one I don't recommend it. It's out there though, I'd never try it. I've tried it before in small doses, I don't recommend it. Guys if you're a fan of option B that's one thing. But if you're out there practicing Option B jump off a fucking bridge, because the next time you'll be having sex is with the retarded student volunteer at the convalescent home who has to help you urinate.
Option B goes a little something like this.
(keep doing the funny voice for her if the audience was digging it)
Her: "Who didn't close the Tupperware?"
(abrasive) "Who do you think did it babe? Was it the dog? No he hasn't got any fucking thumbs Einstein It was me! I didn't close the Tupperware because I don't give a shit about Tupperware, there I said it, it's fucking plastic. It is a thing! Get over it. Sometimes I think you'd rather fuck all the Tupperware in the entire house than me! So why don't you and the Tupperware make sure all the lids are closed and when you're ready to talk like an adult about adult stuff I'll be in the bedroom waiting for my blowjob."
That did feel pretty good to get off my chest. Whew. You see what Tupperware does, it ruins relationships. Keeps food fresh, for years, but it can ruin your entire evening.
I'm in a very long relationship, it's so long. It's great. I love it. It's so long though. I'm running out of shit to do with her. Sometimes we just sit and stare at each other and think "how much fucking longer is this thing going to go on?"
And she's winning. She's up a million. I've never scored a point. Sometimes I wonder why she's still with me.
One time…this one time she asked me what I wanted to be for Halloween, and I told her that I wanted to be a door mat. But I was just joking. You know… ha ha a door mat… "because you walk all over me."
But she loved the idea. She fucking loved it. She wouldn't let it go. And by October we were down at the store looking for material for my doormat costume. Only I didn't know what was going on. I wasn't paying attention. I was looking at golf clubs. She sent me there, to distract me. But I can't pay attention anyway she's brain washed me. I have to ask her what I'm thinking sometimes. And she knows. And if I say something like "why would I think that?" She knows that too. She knows everything, I know nothing. That's not true, I know how to apologize.
So I'm at this Halloween party in a doormat costume. And she leaves me to go over to her friends so she can show off what she did. And they're just pointing and laughing it up, because she's won and they know she has won. And I'm there just looking like a big idiot. But at least I'm her big idiot. Although I did get the last laugh. See this party was at one of her single friend's houses, and when I said I was going to the bathroom what I really was doing was sneaking around the kitchen breaking the seal (pop) on everyone (pop) of her friend's Tupperware lids.
I don't hate that the relationship is long though. I like long things. But I usually like them the most when they're over. This can't be over though. I wouldn't know how to function without her. I'd be lost. I'd be out somewhere trying to think about what I was thinking about. And not making any discoveries. Just aimlessly wandering around the housewares section of Target. Asking a person who isn't even around me if we need 18 ugly milk glasses because they're on sale.
It is what it is. Long, painful, and always there. Have you ever seen a child's ballet recital? It's like I'm at one everyday. (Wipe your head and act like you're watching one)….You know what I'm talking about, they end the first dance and you're thinking to yourself "it's over? YES IT'S OVER!" so you stand up and applaud because you get to go. Then you realize (start slow clapping and looking awkward) that you're the only person in the cafatorium standing and applauding. And even the little girls on stage are looking at you like you're some kind of freak. Little girls in tutu's are rolling their eyes at you (little girl voice) "that was just the first song Mr. Reed so why don't you sit the fuck back down it ain't over yet" (do a little girl bow curtsy kind of thing)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's two new jokes. I'm more of a free spirit now :).
I wish on facebook they had a "people you'll never know" section. I think mine would include a lot of Asians.
A friend of mine recently asked me why most of my jokes degrade women. I said, "c'mon they were asking for it."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi I'm Jason and I know what you're thinking ladies. "He's really hot." And yea I'm hot. And soooooo unavailable. So stop thinking it. Because I am a one woman man. I kind of do miss being single though. Being a-none woman man. Those were the days. Going home….masturbating….waking up…masturbating… sitting on my hand for minutes letting it go to sleep, and then masturbating with it.
So I traded that all in for a woman. A woman I can never please. Because she is woman, it's not her fault. It's mine. I've learned that, I've also learned that I'm basically an idiot and I'm so grateful to her for showing me. Yeah I'm her little idiot, and I love it. Hope it goes on forever. I'm really good at apologizing for things that I never remember doing. Who knew that Tupperware lids could cause such a ruckus? As I'm here talking to you folks tonight know that I live in fear of Tupperware.
She puts everything that I want in Tupperware. Because she knows I won't go near the stuff. If she could fit her pussy inside of one it'd be there. Smiling at me like it always does, blowing me kisses. But I wouldn't go near it. Because, apparently I don't know how to close Tupperware. So now I just don't eat. It's a lot easier, that way. It looks so simple, you just put the lid on top of the container, and push really hard and when you hear it pop (make the popping noise with your finger in your chin) you can walk away knowing that whatever else happens you'll still have fresh cookies.
(make this sound like the guy from the movie trailers)
"But then later that night when she comes home" First thing she does, every night I'm not lying. She goes over to the Tupperware, before she even kisses me (which is weird). Before she says "I love you" or "I'm so lucky to have to you in my life" or "I missed you today" before any of that, nonsense, she checks in with her little "what's he doing when I'm not around spies" AKA the Tupperware lids and if they say that I was doing anything wrong by them not being closed properly then it is over. The entire night is ruined because of two thin mint Girl Scout cookies, which were very fresh I must admit.
(do an evil old woman voice)
"who didn't close the Tupperware (pause) properly?"
Why does she even ask that question though? Was it her? No. Not her, not with the value she places on them. Of course it was me.
So I've got two options after hearing…
(old lady voice again) "Who didn't properly close the Tupperware? Hmmm? Was it you Jason? It's always you, it's like you….it's like you – hate…keeping things fresh. You don't hate keeping things fresh….do you?"
Option A is a safe one. I apologize, swear I'll never do it again, and spend the rest of the evening repeating these apologies and swears; until I'm blue in the face, or the world ends. Eventually around May 2014 it'll blow over.
Option B is a not so safe one I don't recommend it. It's out there though, I'd never try it. I've tried it before in small doses, I don't recommend it. Guys if you're a fan of option B that's one thing. But if you're out there practicing Option B jump off a fucking bridge, because the next time you'll be having sex is with the retarded student volunteer at the convalescent home who has to help you urinate.
Option B goes a little something like this.
(keep doing the funny voice for her if the audience was digging it)
Her: "Who didn't close the Tupperware?"
(abrasive) "Who do you think did it babe? Was it the dog? No he hasn't got any fucking thumbs Einstein It was me! I didn't close the Tupperware because I don't give a shit about Tupperware, there I said it, it's fucking plastic. It is a thing! Get over it. Sometimes I think you'd rather fuck all the Tupperware in the entire house than me! So why don't you and the Tupperware make sure all the lids are closed and when you're ready to talk like an adult about adult stuff I'll be in the bedroom waiting for my blowjob."
That did feel pretty good to get off my chest. Whew. You see what Tupperware does, it ruins relationships. Keeps food fresh, for years, but it can ruin your entire evening.
I'm in a very long relationship, it's so long. It's great. I love it. It's so long though. I'm running out of shit to do with her. Sometimes we just sit and stare at each other and think "how much fucking longer is this thing going to go on?"
And she's winning. She's up a million. I've never scored a point. Sometimes I wonder why she's still with me.
One time…this one time she asked me what I wanted to be for Halloween, and I told her that I wanted to be a door mat. But I was just joking. You know… ha ha a door mat… "because you walk all over me."
But she loved the idea. She fucking loved it. She wouldn't let it go. And by October we were down at the store looking for material for my doormat costume. Only I didn't know what was going on. I wasn't paying attention. I was looking at golf clubs. She sent me there, to distract me. But I can't pay attention anyway she's brain washed me. I have to ask her what I'm thinking sometimes. And she knows. And if I say something like "why would I think that?" She knows that too. She knows everything, I know nothing. That's not true, I know how to apologize.
So I'm at this Halloween party in a doormat costume. And she leaves me to go over to her friends so she can show off what she did. And they're just pointing and laughing it up, because she's won and they know she has won. And I'm there just looking like a big idiot. But at least I'm her big idiot. Although I did get the last laugh. See this party was at one of her single friend's houses, and when I said I was going to the bathroom what I really was doing was sneaking around the kitchen breaking the seal (pop) on everyone (pop) of her friend's Tupperware lids.
I don't hate that the relationship is long though. I like long things. But I usually like them the most when they're over. This can't be over though. I wouldn't know how to function without her. I'd be lost. I'd be out somewhere trying to think about what I was thinking about. And not making any discoveries. Just aimlessly wandering around the housewares section of Target. Asking a person who isn't even around me if we need 18 ugly milk glasses because they're on sale.
It is what it is. Long, painful, and always there. Have you ever seen a child's ballet recital? It's like I'm at one everyday. (Wipe your head and act like you're watching one)….You know what I'm talking about, they end the first dance and you're thinking to yourself "it's over? YES IT'S OVER!" so you stand up and applaud because you get to go. Then you realize (start slow clapping and looking awkward) that you're the only person in the cafatorium standing and applauding. And even the little girls on stage are looking at you like you're some kind of freak. Little girls in tutu's are rolling their eyes at you (little girl voice) "that was just the first song Mr. Reed so why don't you sit the fuck back down it ain't over yet" (do a little girl bow curtsy kind of thing)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's two new jokes. I'm more of a free spirit now :).
I wish on facebook they had a "people you'll never know" section. I think mine would include a lot of Asians.
A friend of mine recently asked me why most of my jokes degrade women. I said, "c'mon they were asking for it."
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