Some new Jokes

I just know everyone is dying to laugh.  I've been on the fence about posting this blog.  Because this will be the first one that's just jokes.  And I realize that it's a dangerous thing to post jokes if you're a stand up comedian, because they can be stolen.  What these really are, are premises.  Things that I can expand upon more.  And I'd invite you to do the same.   Have a good time laughing.... and what the heck why not comment and let me know what you liked, and didn't?  Or borrow a joke, and try it out a different way.  I'm trying to make this easier to read... so when you see the dashes... you're in a new bit. 


Here's some Funny things people say: maybe
"Give it to me straight".....  Damit!   I was going to give it to you at a vicious angle, but you're just too smart for that....

"It is what it is." Ok...But if it really is though....   Did telling us that... even matter?

"I almost died."  Did you shit and piss yourself?  Cuz that's what happens when you almost die, and then after you almost die.. you all the way die.  So is that...what happened? 

"FYI:"  When you're talking to me.... Use the whole words. Just do it.  They're there, they're the words. They're called words for a reason.  Don't abbreviate... things... and especially don't abbreviate stupid things that don't even need to be said nonetheless abbreviated in the first place.
Here's a hot little FYI of my own...Don't tell me that you're telling me something that's for my information... that's very circular... because everything is for my information...  isn't it? I don't pick certain things I hear and see, and go: "oh well I guess... that's not important I'll just forget that, I mean why would I remember that?  That wasn't for me, that was for other people, what am I going to do with all of this information.....uhhhhhhhh....I don't wanna have too much of it, or I won't be able to eat any of mom's information later.  Only a JackWad would walk around collecting....information.  Fucking piece of shit remembering sun of a fucking bitch. You're like a frigging stenolephant.  Could you imagine the elephant with the little keyboard, trying to type.... hahahaha
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We always try to be cool.  We always know a guy.  We don't really know him...but nobody else knows that... so we talk about him.  And we exaggerate...Car Trouble?... I gotta guy!  Have I gota fucking guy you gotta see.  Oh you should see my guy... 
And we lie to be cool.  Oh god do we lie.  We lie about people like we're the kings and queens of the world....of lies.
We're always lying... we say things like....
He's the best plumber in the (mouth "world" but say) galaxy.(Aswer the guy askign you questions about him)  He used to plumm for NASA.  He quit cuz he missed his kids.  Geez, why you getting so personal? Yea..... he fixed my stuff... fixed that stuff right up.. oh he fixed that stuff so good.  People come over just to use ... my stuff.    
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I Hate False Advertising.  You know the kind.  Over Promise, under deliver. 
**There's no wrong way to eat a reeces**...Really?    I bet I could blow some holes in that theory.  Even though I lOVE reeces peanut butter cups. Don't twist it...  I can think of a few wrong ways to eat one.  How about right after you rape a girl huh?  That's kind of a wrong way.... dontcha think?
And what about those people who just refuse to take the wrapper off?  That's kind of a whole other wrong way.

You'll never see this commercial...
I shoot my reeses in the arm and then  
I put mine in my pants. 

Mr. Reeses(of course I made him male)...would you care to comment on these clearly wrong ways to eat your peanut butter cups....? 
"Now there's no uh... we stand firm behind our belief that there is in fact...no wrong way to eat one 'dem butter cups, and further more if that man did enjoy our particular sugary sweet snack at that unfortunate time, you can't blame the tasty candy...
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And now gloryholes!

I've never understood a lot of things about stuff..... Like the concept of a gloryhole....
It's not that I don't understand it..I know what happens in a gloryholing... look at my internet history. I just don't see how it got from an idea in somebody's head, to somebody actually cutting a hole in a wall.  (They had a guy for it...lol)
How did that conversation go?  Hypothetically were there a hole, where on there other side anyone or any number of things could be even a man's mouth... you would? 
Hell ya why not? ????  And then they cut it...

Then somebody was like... I'm sorry to trouble you, I know you just cut this fine hole.  You  must be so tired.  But please...If the hole were just a lil lower, I wouldn't have to stand on my tipper toes.  So they re-cut it............
And then how did it get from some guy cutting and then re-cutting and somebody putting a dick in there , to somebody else, seeing the other side of that situation, and going... Woah... is that guilt free cock?  I better go suck that lonely cock in that mysteriously placed hole...